The Insiders
by Sad Pomeranian
Summary: A spoof on SE Hinton's The Outsiders, told from a very OOC Matt's point of view. Crack ahoy!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:**_ _Hulloa, and welcome to the fic of DOOM._

**Disclaimer: **We dun own _Death Note _or _the Outsiders_, which this is spoofing.

**Warning: **First off, this story was written at three o'clock in the morning, when Miss Samantha and I were both dead-er than doornails. It involves yaoi, and is very, very, cracky.

* * *

When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the dark abyss known as Wammy's House, I had only seven things on my mind: Not Paul Newman, L, my Gameboy Colour, chain smoking, U2, spoons, and Mello's uber-sexiness. I was wishing I looked like Bono-- he looks so pretty, and I don't --but I guess my looks aren't so bad. I mean, Mello says I'm really hot, so... yeah. I am. Because what he says goes. Alright? Alright.

So, there I was, merrily skipping down the street, when this crazy man with jam stains on his shirt jumped out of a burning bush, and began to assault me with a unicorn whose expression read, "I will fuck you up". It was very unpleasant, being beaten by a unicorn in a Madras shirt.

Not being able to fight back, because I am a weak little gamer boy, I began shrieking like a little girl, or maybe Aizawa. Of course, this just _happened _to alert _everyone _in my gang, since that's totally what happens in real life. But, I guess that doesn't matter, because they fought the unicorn and the jam-guy off me. Except Misa. She just sat there.

:INSERT HUGE-ASS INFO DUMP HERE:

First, there was L. L is like, freaking God. I'm third in line to be his successor, you know. Anyway, he looked suspiciously like the bloke who jumped me. He has these really whack eyes with way too much eyeliner, which he uses to mask the bags there, which are thanks to him getting no sleep whatsoever. He has shitty posture. It's annoying.

There's also Light IMAGAY. His real last name is Yagami, but it's pretty much the same thing, you know? He has better posture than L. But I think he's evil. He has no soul.

Misa enjoys Light IMAGAY way too much. She rapes him. In public. I'm not even sure why she's in our gang, because she doesn't actually do anything. She just stands there and takes up our oxygen like Spencer does. And sexually assault gay-man, who's too busy staring at L to notice.

Roger's next. I don't know why he's in our gang, either. Because he should be doing more productive things, like being the guardian for the _other _kids at Wammy's like he's supposed to do. Whatta flake, amirite?

Then there is Near. He is a freaky albino child with freaky finger puppets that he made with his own hands. And Transformers. Which he did not make with his own hands. But he made them with his feet, which takes mad skillz, yo.

Finally, there is Mello. I'm his manwhore. But that's okay, because we wouldn't have it any other way. He's amazing. However, he's nationality-confused (and maybe a little gender-confused?). No one really knows if he's Russian, German, or Welsh. Or a Waleman. I think he's all of them.

:END HUGE-ASS INFO DUMP HERE:

"Did he pull a UNICORN on you, MAIL JEEVAS?!" L asked in a very loud and paranoid manner. "There is a 99.67% chance that he did!"

"Y-yeah..." I choked out. Crying over very minimal unicorn wounds is embarrassing. I mean, this one time, some dudes pulled a unicorn on Mello, and when we found him, the mythical creature really _had _fucked him up. He cried then, too, but that was understandable.

...damn, he's really sexy when he cries...

ANYHOW!

"Um, like, you're bleeding," Misa offered unsympathetically from her perch on the pavement. "It's gross. Clean it up."

"GOD!" Mello yelled. "SOME DUDE PULLED A FUCKING UNICORN ON MY MANWHORE AND YOU WANT HIM TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD?! BETCH!"

They then proceeded to get into a sissy slap fight, until Light threatened to write their names down in the Death Note.

They straightened up after that.

"Well, that unicorn-wielding bastard ain't gonna hurt you no more," L assured me.

"That was improper grammar," Near tossed out, looking up from his creepy finger puppets. "Spoken correctly, that would be: "That unicorn-wielding bastard is not going to hurt you any more". But, whatever. Anybody wanna go see a movie tomorrow?"

Like I totally wasn't just bleeding all over the sidewalk or anything.

"We can't," Light said, gesturing to Misa and himself, whilst rolling his eyes. "She's making me do stuff."

Misa clapped enthusiastically. Moron.

"Umm.. I'm gonna get drunk or something, even though I'm supposed to be responsible here," Roger told us. "But I'll catch up with you guys if I'm not completely pissed by then."

"Oooh! I wanna go!" I said happily, even though I was bleeding... on the ground...

"And, I mean, if he's going, I'm going." Mello nodded in affirmation.

"I have to be Darry-like, and sit at home and worry about Matt and Mello. No thanks," L added.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: **I have absolutely no explanation for the part about the Mercedes at the end, except for that the entire concept really made us laugh._

* * *

Once we got my blood up off the pavement, everyone went back to their respective homes.

And then some stuff happened, and I went into unnecessary details about what people eat for breakfast. BO-RING.

So... yeah.

When we went to the movies, we tried climbing the fence, since it was a drive-in and stuff. Near doesn't like being legal, even though he's first in line to become L's successor. I have no idea how that works out, but it really pisses Mello off. Which is fine by me. He's more fun when he's extremely angry.

The only problem was, it was a very tall fence. They built it especially for Near so he couldn't climb over it.

So we crawled under it. Coming from the detective plant for genius kids, we could easily outsmart those dipshits.

We sat down behind these two dudes, and Near tried hitting on the one with glasses because he thought it was a girl. But it wasn't.

"SAJUKO!11!!11!!!" the guy yelled, and Near fell backwards in his chair, before crawling away in fear.

Mello and I were rather frightened.

"Oh, don't mind him," the old one said. I recognized him; he was the uber-epic Watari, AKA Quillsh Wammy, who set up our lovely prodigy farm. "He's schizophrenic."

"...oh. Well, that would explain some stuff," Mello muttered.

Randomly snapping back into a normal person, the bloke with glasses asked, "so, what're your names?"

"Mihael Keehl," Mello answered. "...I don't know what it means either."

I muttered, "Mail Jeevas," hoping he wouldn't hear me. But he did.

"That's original."

"Yeah, my hamster was a pretty original.... hamster."

You see, my hamster named me. Because I was _born an orphan._

"Yeah, well, I'm Teru Mikami. All my friends call me Mikami, since that's what my parents named me. They're, you know, human."

"HEY!" Mello yelled. "DON'T BE HATIN' ON MATT'S HAMSTER!!"

"YEAH!" I agreed. "WANNA TAKE IT OUTSIDE, BEYOTCH?"

"Um, we are outside," Mister Wammy pointed out.

"So we are! So... umm... WANNA TAKE IT INSIDE?!"

"I'd rather not... I HATE FIGHTS. I JUST CAN'T STAND 'EM!" Mikami freaked out. He sounded strangely like a teenage girl from Oklahoma with red hair. Then, he began to give a speech about how things are rough all over, and something about sunsets and bunnies and happy things like that. And, for some reason, Micky Dolenz was sitting behind us and singing _Sometime In The Morning _as background music. So Mello punched a hole in his afro and he cried.

Thankfully, Miss Takada from some Japanese news show strolled up and asked if anyone had seen Near. "He slashed my engine _again!_"

I've always kind of wondered how you can slash an engine, because Near did that a lot.

We told her that we hadn't seen him, and she walked off in a huff. And if _that _interruption wasn't enough, a very plastered Roger appeared from nowhere and pantsed some guy. Then he ran through the screen cackling wildly, and we had to go home.

Mister Wammy thought we should all walk home together, so we did, and everything went perfectly smooth. Until some random blokes on Carpet Sliders began trailing us. Before we knew it, they were right beside us. It was the guy who jumped me and his unicorn.

I leapt into Mello's arms in fear.

"ARE YOU TRYIN' TO PICK UP OUR WOMEN?! I mean... uhh... MEN?!"

"No way!" Mello told him. "I've already _got _a manwhore, thanks! And he's way sexier than _that _guy!"

Mikami flipped him off.

"Marcia!" The unicorn in the Madras shirt screamed, grabbing Mister Wammy. "I mean... QUILLSH! Let's GO!"

And, with that, they sped off on their Carpet Sliders, leaving me clinging onto Mello in the middle of the deserted street. I guess he just got irritated with the silence, because he ended up heaving me to the unvacant lot where Donald Trump keeps his Mercedes. Where, upon arrival, much snogging ensued. Because snogging is better than just making-out. And on the hood of The Donald's Mercedes, no less.


	3. Chapter 3

The next thing I remember is waking on the hood of Donald Trump's Mercedes. And that pretty much meant that our sorry arses belonged to L.

We dragged ourselves up to Wammy's, where loud Metallica and the sounds of Misa's agitated shrieking could be heard, even with all of the doors and windows shut. Nothing new there.

When we walked in, Misa was furiously beating on L's bedroom door and wailing, "RAITO, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THRERE!!!!1!!!!11" Suddenly, Light emerged from the room, clad in, well, nothing. L was soon to follow.

"WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?!" the latter exclaimed.

"...snogging on the hood of Donald Trump's Mercedes," Mello supplied.

"I told you!" Light smirked, and L handed him an American dollar.

"That is so totally gross," Misa muttered, before storming off.

"Anyway... I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU TWO! THERE IS A 34.89% CHANCE THAT YOU WERE NOT ON THE HOOD OF THE DONALD'S CAR DOING INAPPROPRIATE THINGS! I THOUGHT SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED!"

"Jeez, Ryuzaki, give them a break..." Light mumbled.

"DON'T YOU STICK UP FOR THEM!"

L then attempted to sissy slap me across the face, which was just _so _hurtful that I took off walking. I'm sorry, but as a wimpy gamer child, I can't run very fast.

We got to the park in about an hour and proceeded to ride the dog/walrus-unicorn-like animals. I was too frightened to ride the unicorn one though. Then the guys that jumped me appeared on their Carpet Sliders. I was deeply shaken like Morale in Jamestown. They got off their Carpet Sliders and walked up to us.

Well, actually, it was more like staggering, because they were quite obviously wasted.

"ITS THE GUY WITH THE JAM!!" shout-whispered Mello.

"OMG!" I was deeply shaken... again.

Suddenly, just as mentioned guy with jam stains began to approach us, Mello had an epiphany.

"Bloody hell! THAT'S BEYOND BIRTHDAY!"

"...Beyond what?"

"Beyond Birthday, arsehole."

"Don't call me an arsehole!"

"I'll call you whatever I want! You're my manwhore!"

"Maybe I don't _want _to be your manwhore!"

"WHAT?! That's bullshit, Matt! You and I both know that you cannot _resist _me!"

That was true.

I guess the Beyond Birthday guy got sick of us yelling, and finally exclaimed, "BLEEEEHHH I'M SCARY!", which made me leap into Mello's arms all over again.

"See?! I was right!"

Beyond Birthday commanded his unicorn to start drowning me in the fountain of lemonade, ripping me from Mello's arms. Me and my wimpy gamer body were no match for the two of them, and before I knew it, Mello whipped out Light's Death Note and began beating Beyond Birthday with it.

"That's not how you use it, you fool!" Beyond Birthday told him. "You're supposed to write my name in it!"

"Oh."

So, Mello produced a pen from thin air and wrote down _Beyond Birthday._ The man in question died from cardiac arrest fourty seconds later, and the unicorn fled, leaving us in awkward silence. I was still sitting in the fountain.

"So... what do we do now?" I finally asked, watching Mello poke BB's body with a stick.

"In times like this... we.... we must... find Near," he managed. The fact that he was having to turn to get help from Near shook him up more than the fact that he actually killed someone.


End file.
